Hi everyone! It looks like we got a total of 27+ inches of snow over the past week and a half. Fortunately things are going to get above freezing this weekend and melt some of it. I might even get into the shop to do a project or two! Please hit the Like and Restack button at the bottom of the piece. The more Likes the more the algorithm puts the story in front of that huge audience on Substack. I might get enough paid subscriptions to pay our dog food bills. Enjoy!
I sat across from Kerry at our dining room table with coffee and a plate of cookies when the phone rang. It was mildly annoying because for once, Kerry and I were home at the same time and alone. The kid’s bus wouldn’t show up for another 45 minutes and I was looking forward to sitting with my girl and talking. Well, maybe it will be the wrong number I thought and stretched for the receiver.
“Hello?”
“Hi, John? This is Kathy Countryman from the grade school. Jack’s teacher.”
“Oh, hi Kathy. What’s going on.”
I covered the phone receiver with my hand and mouthed, “Jack’s teacher” at Kerry. She looked concerned and curious. No one had ever called us from school about the boys except for the time Jack slipped in the playground and cut his chin. They never got into any trouble, were good students and for the most part teachers said they enjoyed having them in their classes.
“So, I thought I would give you a call. Did Jack get home from school yet?”
“No, Kathy. The bus won’t be here for another 40 minutes or so. What’s wrong?”
The suspense was irritating, and I was a tad short with her.
“Nothing earth shattering but I had to get after Jack and his buddy William today for behavior I thought was out of line so I decided to call you to explain everything.”
“I appreciate that. So, what did they do?” I braced myself. Kerry, head in her hands, prepared herself for the worst.
Kathy launched into the tale of Jack and William. I listened, occasionally interjecting an “Uh huh” or “Oh no.”
At last, the tale was at an end. Kathy explained what her punishment was. I told her she was way too nice, and we would deal with young Master Jack when he got home.
“What the hell happened?” An exasperated Kerry exclaimed. I described for her the entire sordid affair. She sat still, closed her eyes and sighed.
“This is all your fault. These children are just like you!” She murmured.
“Me? How is this my fault? Let’s concentrate on the criminal, I mean child, here.”
“You’re right,” she sighed. “How do we want to play this?”
The kids didn’t realize then that we teamed up on them all the time. Even if one of us didn’t agree with how the other was handling one of the boys, we kept it to ourselves and talked about it later in private. We always presented a united front with them. Any sign of weakness or division, and chaos would reign. This is the danger in having smart children or bird dogs.
“Why don’t I take the lead?” I said, “Kathy said she sent home papers for us to look at. Once I beat, I mean drag, the story out of him you decide what to do about punishment and I’ll back you.”
“Sounds like a plan. Oh look. Here comes the happy, unsuspecting child now!”
Jack and Michael, third and first graders respectively, were running across the front pasture from the bus stop, lept up the steps and burst into the house.
“Hi!” Jack exclaimed dropping his backpack on the floor as usual. He didn’t look worried or guilty about anything. That was strange because his face betrayed his guilty conscience all the time and he should be feeling at least a little guilty.
“Hi,” Michael said and grabbed two cookies from the plate Kerry and I shared and tossed one to his brother.
“Hi guys,” I replied. “How was school today?”
I thought I captured that perfect tone of voice that indicated I was totally clueless as to the day’s events.
“It was good. Our class hamster got loose, and we had pizza for lunch,” Mike mumbled around his cookie.
“That sounds like a good day. Jack? How about you?”
“Nothing much happened. I got a 100 on my math quiz.”
“That’s it? Nothing else happened?”
See how I so cleverly laid my trap? I felt like a TV lawyer in court.
“Nope, nothing.”
“Ms. Countryman called us,” prompted Kerry, thus spoiling my big Perry Mason moment.
“What did she want?” Jack asked with a beatific look on his face.
“Jack, she told us about what happened.”
Once again, I was reminded of how kids have the ability to switch gears mentally. It was like a few hours ago never existed. Mike shifted his gaze between all three of us. I couldn’t tell if he knew what we were talking about or couldn’t wait to find out. He is inscrutable. Unlike Jack, his face gave away nothing which could be a reason he is a good sheriff’s deputy now. Jack, however, looked lost and confused. He was in trouble and honestly didn’t know why.
“Jack. Do you have some papers in your backpack for us?” I swear, you could hear a switch in his head go, “CLICK”.
“Ohhhhh. That.” Jack reached for his backpack and pulled out a sheaf of paper and laid them on the table.
Mike was fascinated and leaned across the table to get a better view of the damning paperwork. Now it was his turn to be confused.
“I don’t get it,” he said, “It’s just some nursery rhymes, isn’t it?” He asked his mother. Kerry nodded and gave him another cookie to keep him quiet.
Picking up the papers she began to read each one before carefully laying each page face down on the table. It was then I noticed her face had transformed from Stern and Disappointed Mommy” to more like “Mommy doesn’t want to burst out laughing in front of the children”.
“Alright Jack. What happened?” I asked trying to distract the boy’s attention from Kerry whose face was turning colors from holding in laughter.
“William and I got in trouble because yesterday we had a substitute teacher, and she handed out these papers.”
Kerry handed me one of “these papers” he spoke of and I began to read.
Ms. Countryman had told me on the phone the boys had written inappropriate words on their assignment. I assumed these were words the boys had heard me and William’s dad say, and I shuddered to think what they might be. There it was in the first sentence that had a picture of a little girl sitting on a stool with a bowl in her lap just above it.
“Little Miss Muffet sat on a ______ eating her curds and whey.”
In Jacks scrawl was the word BUTT in the blank. Next sentence, a two-parter with a picture of a little boy with a pie in his lap and a Christmas tree in the background..
“Little Jack Horner sat in a ______ eating his Christmas _______.
Our wonderfully intelligent child wrote in BUTT and POOP.
So, terrible grammar aside, I was caught flat-footed. I looked at my darling girl for support, but she couldn’t or wouldn’t look up from the floor. She explained later that if she looked at me, she would dissolve into laughter for at least five minutes. Someone needed to be an adult here and for once, it was going to be me.
“Ms. Countryman said she made you two put your heads on your desks for ten minutes?” I asked Jack who just nodded.
Kerry was making little choking noises while covering her mouth with her hand and not even trying to regain her composure to mete out punishment.
“Jack, do you know what you did wrong?”
“Yes. We wrote the wrong words on the paper.”
“Yes, but you also hurt the substitute’s feelings because she worked hard on these papers so that’s why Ms. Countryman was so unhappy.” The distraught look on Jack’s face made me proud.
“I didn’t know we did that,” he said.
“I know you didn’t but it doesn’t matter. So, you are going to write an apology letter to the sub, and you are going to redo the assignment properly. If Ms. Countryman wants to do anything else as far as punishment goes, she can talk to us. Tomorrow you can hand in both things and apologize to her, OK?”
“OK.” Jack said with a few tears.
“Go wash your face and get going on any homework and we can help you with the assignment and letter if you need it. Mike, you have anything you need to do?”
He did not, so he went to turn on the TV. With both boys occupied, Kerry went to the kitchen and got a glass of water waving me over to the sink.
“Oh my God I thought I was going to lose it,” she whispered conspiratorially. “Why didn’t you warn me?”
“Kathy didn’t get into details. She just said inappropriate words and left it at that. I was expecting much worse and if it makes you feel better, I almost lost it too. It was funny in a grade school sort of way but apparently the sub was upset.”
“That seems a strange reaction to some Third-Grade boys being silly.” I had to agree but it was bad behavior, and the two numbskulls needed to learn a lesson.
Jack spent the rest of the day working on his apology and the assignment. The next day with all his paperwork stashed safely in a folder he headed off to school. He looked a little anxious about what might await him in school, which was a good thing. One of Jack’s gifts was an overabundance of self-confidence, and it needed tempering from time to time. I went off to shoe some horses for the day but managed to get home just in time for the bus. Kerry and I looked out the window for signs Jack was upset but he seemed fine. The boys came in and instantly started searching the kitchen for something to eat.
“So, Jack. How did your day go?” Kerry asked. The suspense was killing her.
“Fine.” Jack replied looking up from a bowl of cereal. “Ms. Countryman really liked the letter and said she would give everything to the substitute.”
“Good.” I said. “How did William make out?”
“Oh, he just laughed at me. He didn’t get in trouble at all. He said his parents laughed at the assignment and said it was silly for someone to get upset about it.”
I have to say the last part sounded a little like an accusation, but I understood how the boy felt.
“Well Jack, not everyone has our family’s sense of humor. But if you hurt someone’s feelings, even if you think it’s silly, you need to apologize and make it right. You can never go wrong by saying you are sorry.”
Ever have a parent moment where you are saying “the right thing” but not sure you believe it yourself? It happened to me all the time. Jack grabbed his backpack and headed to his bedroom, stopped and turned around.
“Does that mean you thought what we wrote was funny?”
(Ah, another parent moment. Do you tell the truth or not?)
“Yes, we both got a chuckle out of it.”
“I knew it!” Jack exclaimed and walked back down the hallway.
I turned and looked at Kerry.
“Did we do the right thing or not?” I asked my favorite girl. Kerry sighed.
“I suppose he will find out in therapy as an adult and then let us know.”
Now that is a real parent moment.
Enjoyed this one so much, John. Laughed out loud.
Great book