Kerry has business trips she needs to do throughout the year.
She doesn’t believe it, but life still goes on here when Kerry isn’t around. I need to write, the lawn has to be mowed, laundry needs to be done, gardens need watering, I have to eat, and of course, the dogs need to be monitored. When you have bird dogs, discipline must be maintained for all our sakes.
I was sitting in my usual place reading the New York Times on my tablet after having to drive Kerry to the airport very early that morning. I had let the dogs outside and had their breakfasts all laid out for them. They came back in and were happily munching while I sipped my coffee wondering, not for the first time, why everything seemed so childishly stupid in the world when Maggie stepped up on the couch right in front of me, stuck her face in mine and asked, “Where’s Kerry?”
This is what she looked like.
“She is at a conference.” I replied.
“When did she go? She was here last night and what’s a conference?”
Maggie is a very curious GSP (that’s a German Shorthair Pointer for the newcomers) and a great interrogator.
“She left this morning before you woke up and a conference is a big meeting that humans do.”
“The truck is still in the driveway!” Exclaimed Bella who was looking out the front window.
“She must be downstairs!” Both GSPs yelled as they charged down to Kerry’s basement office. GSPs always seem to jump to the wrong conclusions.
“They are both idiots,” grumbled Molly the old Red Setter.
The sound of a GSP stampede came from the basement as both dogs ran back upstairs.
“She must be outside in the garden!” Bella woofed.
“I told you she went to a business conference”.
“But the truck is still here!” Maggie whined.
“She went on an airplane,” I patiently explained.
“What’s that?” asked Maggie.
“They fly way up in the sky like birds and take humans to far away places.”
Bella and Maggie raced to the sliding door that led to the backyard and looked up.
“There goes one!” Bella yelped
“How does Kerry fit inside?” Maggie asked still staring up.
I admit, that confused me for a second. I walked over to the the door and looked up. Then I got it.
“Please try and understand. The airplane looks small because its very far away…”
“And Kerry is inside?” Bella asked.
“No, not that one.”
“There are more than one?” Maggie wondered.
“Listen to me!” an exasperated Molly growled from under the plant table. “Airplanes fly over us every day. Lots of them. You have seen the big yellow one. It was here just yesterday!”
“Is that the one Kerry took?” Bella asked.
“No. That one is a crop duster for the potato fields.” I said warily. This conversation had the potential of going sideways in a hurry.
“Potatoes…” Bella began.
“Don’t you say it Bella! I’m warning you!” Molly threatened. Molly knows how the GSP mind works. Bella, however, being rather large, is not afraid of any dog’s threats.
“Potatoes go in airplanes?” Bella asked while drawing herself up to her full height and giving Molly a haughty sideways glance.
“I like potatoes,” said Maggie, ever the peacemaker, “especially with cheese when they fall on the floor.”
“And with ham,” slobbered Bella.
“We should have that for supper!” Maggie yipped as she bounced around the kitchen.
“I am not making you scalloped potatoes and throw it on the the floor,” I said slinking back to my seat. It was too early to start drinking … or was it?
“Don’t be silly. You could just put it in our bowls,” Maggie pointed out.
Molly laughed.
“Bella will just spread it all over the floor anyways like she does with her kibble.”
Bella was incensed.
“It is not my fault they pulled out one of my teeth. The kibble falls out through the hole.”
“Why did you pull out one of Bella’s teeth?” Maggie asked looking at me in an accusatory manner.
“We had to. One was crooked and hurting the roof of her mouth. It was either that or braces.” I knew as soon as I said it I had made a serious mistake by introducing a new topic.
All three dogs leaned into the couch with their heads cocked to the side.
“What’s braces?” Maggie asked.
“Its a thing where they use metal to straighten teeth. Its very expensive and Bella would hate it.”
“I hated having my tooth pulled out.” Bella growled.
“Are you going to put braces on me?” asked a suddenly worried Maggie.
“No. Your teeth are fine.”
“Are you going to pull my tooth out?”
“NO! Your teeth are fine!!”
“My teeth are pretty worn down. I have a hard time holding on to birds.” griped Molly.
“Why are you pulling Maggie’s tooth out?” Bella wanted to know.
“Bella,” I said holding on to her big, silky, ears and pulling her in close to get her attention. “We are not pulling Maggie’s tooth out.”
A silence fell over the room. Usually, due to their short attention span, the dogs would race off when things get quiet to find something else to do. But now, all three dogs stood in front of me wagging their tails. It was like they were expecting something from me.
“What?” I whispered plaintively.
You don’t want to ask excited bird dogs questions above a whisper. They always take it the wrong way and get more excited.
“Are you going to make potatoes now?” Maggie asked.
“I am NOT making scalloped potatoes!” I thundered.
The dogs were crestfallen and lay down on the floor in a deep depression. Its one of their favorite tricks and of course I fell for it.
“Tell you what. If you three will behave there is a little leftover steak in the refrigerator. I will cut it up and put it in your kibble.”
“Warm steak?” asked Bella.
“Yes, I can warm it up.”
“I love steak.” sighed Maggie.
“Make sure you cut mine up small like Kerry does. My teeth are worn out.” Molly chimed in.
“I know about your teeth. No problem.”
“Sometimes Kerry puts scrambled eggs in my kibble.” Molly continued.
“I know. I’m the one who cooks them for you.”
“Sometimes Kerry puts bacon grease in mine!” Maggie drooled, “I love bacon grease.”
“I know. I’m the one who cooks the bacon.”
All three dogs were standing in front of me again, tails wagging.
“I swear. If you guys ask me to cook scalloped potatoes one more time you will just get plain kibble until Kerry gets home.”
“Oh.” said Bella. “In that case can we go outside?”
“Sure,” and I let them out relieved we had broken out of the circular argument bird dogs are known for.
That night I was watching some TV with Bella draped across my feet, Maggie had her head in my lap as Molly watched us with half closed eyes from under the plant table, her favorite haunt.
“When is Kerry coming home?” Maggie asked looking up at me.
“In a couple days.” I replied while stroking her neck and chin. Maggie loves that.
“How long is that?” the young dog wanted to know.
“I’m not sure how to explain this. You have to kennel and sleep. Then wake up. Then you do that again and she will be home.”
“Oh. That’s not hard.” Maggie yawned. “I’m a good sleeper.”
“Yes you are.”
Maggie closed her eyes and dozed off.
I don’t know if you are familiar with the movie, “In Harms Way.” Its a good movie, with a great cast, about World War II and the navy in the Pacific. There is a scene where John Wayne’s cruiser gets torpedoed and all the alarms go off. There is one particular alarm that is very loud and goes like this continually, CLANG,CLANG,CLANG. I had the sound turned down to help keep the mood peaceful but apparently not enough.
Maggie startled awake and began howling like a rabid wolf ! Bella woke up, started woofing in a very excited tone and began to run around in circles in the living room. Molly did her usual high pitched, excited bark and looked out the window. Bella joined her and they both barked at nothing outside. There literally was nothing out there to bark at besides bushes. Maggie, still sitting on the couch, tilted her head towards the ceiling and howled even louder. No one was listening to me. I had lost all command and control. My one assigned job, besides watering things, mowing the lawn, laundry, dishes etc. and I blew it because I watched a John Wayne movie. We were doomed.
Then the clanging stopped on TV. All three dogs stopped their noise and returned to their original positions.
“What the hell was that?” I asked the pack my ears still ringing.
“Maggie sounded the alarm! We were helping,” Bella said proudly.
“I was worried about that sound so I howled,” Maggie said looking sheepish.
“But you have never done that before.”
“I know. I’m very sorry. I got a little excited.”
Molly stretched. “I think I hurt my back jumping up to drive off the intruders.”
“There were no intruders,” I said.
“Then why did Maggie sound the alarm?”
“Because she didn’t know about the General Quarters gong on the movie and it startled her,” I said.
Now, why on earth I mentioned General Quarters I’ll never know.
You know what came next.
“What’s General Quarters?” Maggie asked.
This is where I did something smart. Don’t laugh. Its been known to happen.
“General Quarters means its time for good dogs to go to their kennels, get a treat and go to sleep.”
“And then Kerry comes home!” Maggie yipped.
“Um, sure. But remember you have to kennel and sleep two times.”
“She will never remember that,” Molly grumbled as she headed downstairs to her room.
“Remember what?” asked Maggie.
“See?” Molly sneered at me.
“Shut up, Molly, and go to your room,” I said good naturedly.
In her room with her treat I could hear Molly snickering. She always thinks she knows everything.
I put the GSPs away with their treats and climbed back up the stairs to finish my movie. There was some growly talk going on downstairs. Mostly it was, “Shut up Maggie,” and “don’t tell me what to do,” along with “Kerry is coming home and I can’t wait,” and “I don’t think John knows how to take care of us.”
Then my phone dinged with a text. Kerry’s flight was all messed up so she was going to be delayed by one day. This was an emergency.
In my head I could visualize the pack’s response to the news. Whining, barking, howling, questioning my abilities, demanding scalloped potatoes with ham.
I need to kennel up for the night. It’s going to be a long week.
Just a post script. Kerry got home safe and sound. The dogs filed a formal complaint about the small number of treats they received in her absence. Its being looked at in The Hauge as we speak. I might be declared a war criminal. Wish me luck.
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I hear my dog's voices all the time, it was fun to hear what other dogs tell their owners. Just last night I was at a meeting, Bud was on the deck with the dogs. Every time a car came up the road my Khaleesi thought it was me the other two joined in. All three dogs went racing inside, down the hall to check the door. No, it's not her. Back on the deck to do it again.